RECIPE: Vulgar Vegan Whiz

IMG_5699This is the original recipe that the Vegan Whiz we serve at one of my restaurants was based on, with some modifications to fit the cuisine being served.  It was formulated when I was a totally broke ass vegan working my broke ass off just to barely get by. This was a time that I lived off of nutritional yeast, cheap pasta, beans, and tortillas. And lots and lots of potato chips and cheap beer. It was the best of times, it was also the shittiest of shitty times. But I persevered, so did you, and here we are.

There are three forms of this recipe, the one where you don’t have a blender or food processor (how the hell are you making your hummus? Mortar and pestle? If so, that’s actually pretty rad. Nothing beats making recipes even harder.), one where you do, and one where you transform this thing into a solid mass like the classic Cheese Whiz pot of gold.  If you aren’t blending, make sure to finely mince your onion and garlic. If you are, it doesn’t really matter as long as you get the onion and garlic cooked soft. Just remember that this is a simple recipe from a simple time, made for simple dishes that will envelop you like a hug from your creepy aunt. Don’t get too stressed out. Enjoy.

Vulgar Vegan Whiz

1 onion, minced (or rough chop, if you are blending)

2 Cloves garlic, minced (or crushed, if you are blending)

2C Vegetable Stock

Salt to taste

1.5C Nutritional Yeast Flake

1T Prepared Yellow Mustard

Optional: 2-3T Corn Starch

  1. SWEAT the onions in a small amount of your choice of cooking oil for about 6-7 minutes over medium heat in a medium size sauce pan.  I usually throw about a teaspoon or so of salt in at this point, you don’t have to.
  2. ADD the Garlic, cook for another 2-3 minutes. DO NOT BURN THE DAMN ONIONS AND GARLIC.
  3. ADD the Vegetable Stock, bring to a boil, and simmer for a few minutes. It doesn’t really matter how long, just pretend you’re doing something culinarily brilliant.
  4. WHISK in the Nutritional Yeast Flake, leaving no yeast lumps. (you don’t have to go too wild here if you are blending)
  5. STIR in mustard.
  6. If you are not blending: Simmer the sauce on low until it thickens. YOU ARE DONE.
  7. If you ARE blending: Remove sauce from heat, let things cool down a little bit before you put the mixture into the blender*
  8. POUR cooled (not cold) contents into your blender or food processor, blend until smooth. If you just want a smooth sauce, YOU ARE DONE.
  9. IF you want to get to block form (like a spreadable cheese that melts), add 3T of Corn Starch while blending.
  10. TRANSFER mixture back into the sauce pan, simmer until the sauce thickens to a porridge like consistency.
  11. POUR into a clean, sanitized container, let chill. YOU ARE DONE.

Now you are ready to make a Vegan Cheesesteak, Pizza, Mac N Cheese, etc.  This is the base for some real goddamn comfort food, and sometimes during our amazing journey of eating the most bodacious of fruits, nuts, grains, greens, and other veggies, we just need a little fucking comfort. Just a little.


*BLENDING HOT LIQUIDS IS DANGEROUS. BLENDING LESS HOT LIQUIDS IS LESS DANGEROUS. Use a kitchen towel or hot pad when holding the top of the blender to guard from steam or splatter burns. DO NOT start the blender until you have the top on! PLEASE BE VERY DAMN CAREFUL!


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