Personal · Product Review

Daiya American Slices: They Nailed It

*  This actually is a review of Daiya American Slices, but it probably doesn’t seem like much more than a rambling personal story disguised as a review. 

It’s not always easy eating plant-based, there are few (but increasing) options to eat out, restaurants sometimes sneak some dairy into items that don’t need it, and the entirety of our western motherfucking society is brainwashed by the Eggs/Beef/Bacon/Dairy lobbies, propping up the Meat Trolls that reside out there in the ether like forgotten land mines in an old battle field. Or something like that.

980511f7c2575efd9144a4e61be66234208aea25_fullI grew up in the era of processed cheese worship. Cheep Wiz, EZ Cheese, Government Cheese, and Velveet were a huge hit, but Krapt Slices ruled the day. We didn’t have fancy cheeseries or delis in my hometown to steer my tastes toward something more cultured. I mean, in travels I had the opportunity to try some really fucking good cheeses, but when you’re a kid you generally (at that time in history) give a fuck about the marble in your Gorgonzola. My favorite sandwich was Whole Wheat bread slices, margarine, and a slice of good old individually-wrapped-yellow-cheese-product, wrapper removed of course. It’s a wonder I ever became a cook worth two shits. Chef Cheese Sandwich.

During my Vegan Journey I’ve been great at keeping away from cheese, and in all honestly during the last 15 years commercially produced “fake cheese” hasn’t been worth a fuck. Why waste the time and money on a product that tastes like sweet rubber? Man this is getting fucking long.


Recently a few companies have stepped the fuck up and started making some cheese substitute products that have been worthwhile, and my current favorite:


Daiya American Slices



Actual pic of the goods at my home

Daiya just fucking nailed that taste from my childhood, but in a cruelty free way. It melts like a goddamn champ, it has that familiar “yellow cheese food” taste, but somehow better, smoother, like it’s the Billy D of Vegan Cheese. So smooth. I’ve used it in quesadillas, on top of veg burgers, sandwiches, I threw a piece at my shithead cat one, and a few times drunkenly stood in front of an open refrigerator, munching on half slice after half slice of this wonderful food. That’s the true test, when you are willing to look like a refrigeration wasting asshole to binge eat slices of fake cheese.



Daiya, thank you. Your work towards a more palatable cheese replacement is appreciated.  Daiya also produces Cheddar Slices, Swiss Slices, some block cheese, shreds, and a really bad ass Cheese Sauce. I’m stoked and plan to pick up some Swiss Slices today.

Remember: dairy is scary, don’t eat like an asshole.


Product Review


Pizza-PocketsSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOTDAMN!  I’m walking east through the aisle de freezer at the local fucking WAL MART of all places (don’t you fucking judge me like you have never been. Sometimes I’m a broke ass, both cash and morals-wise), and see the “Healthy Meal” section coming up quickly on my left.  It’s no secret that Gardein makes a sizable fucking line of all-Vegan products, and I am kind of in love with them.  As much as I tried to stay super legit like when I first ditched animal products, this company makes super legit frozen foods that have enabled me to work shitty eating habits back into my life. THANK YOU.  Burgers (the best, IMO), fish sticks, chicken fingers, a really dank holiday roast, THE ELUSIVE MEATLOAF, are all stocked and on call in my deep freeze for any comfort food emergency that may arise.


Pizza-PocketsI have never seen these fantastic little creations in my other local *legit* markets, they may be new, or the local folks may be looking out for our health by not stocking a fat food sloth life enabling delicious product such as this.  Either way I will be requesting them to carry all of the Gardein “Pocket Foods” immediately.

Wait, isn’t this supposed to be a review and not whatever has been going on?  Shit, let’s get down to it.

Pizza-PocketsThe Gardein Meatless Pepperoni Pizza Pocket, or GMP3 as I like to call it, is everything that the Gaffiganesque OG freezer pocket wishes it could be.  It’s delicious, healthy (on a sliding scale), doesn’t send your insides into turmoil, and is ultimately better for the planet, animals, and everyone involved.  It heats in 150 seconds in your microwave, or 20 minutes in your oven/toaster oven, and comes out to your mouth’s delight.  Warm, tender but chewy bread encapsulates a steamy pepperoni/pizza sauce center, every mouthful having a perfect amount of components until that last bready bite.  There is no out-the-side-of-your-mouth napalm leakage, no greasy “pastry” shell, and it doesn’t get that goddamn “Hot Pocket” bit stuck in my head BUT NOW IT IS GODDAMNIT.

Whomever the mad fucker at Gardein is that keeps making this shit needs to stop* this madness. I’m totally sold on these little pizza pucks. I’m going to eat the other half of the package now, I might even take a fucking picture**. I hear it lasts longer.

Vulgarly Yours,




**Update, I did not take a picture so just enjoy the stock photos of the packaging.