Product Review

WTF GARDEIN?

Pizza-PocketsSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOTDAMN!  I’m walking east through the aisle de freezer at the local fucking WAL MART of all places (don’t you fucking judge me like you have never been. Sometimes I’m a broke ass, both cash and morals-wise), and see the “Healthy Meal” section coming up quickly on my left.  It’s no secret that Gardein makes a sizable fucking line of all-Vegan products, and I am kind of in love with them.  As much as I tried to stay super legit like when I first ditched animal products, this company makes super legit frozen foods that have enabled me to work shitty eating habits back into my life. THANK YOU.  Burgers (the best, IMO), fish sticks, chicken fingers, a really dank holiday roast, THE ELUSIVE MEATLOAF, are all stocked and on call in my deep freeze for any comfort food emergency that may arise.

BUT NOW I SEE BEFORE ME THE HOLY MOUNTAIN OF VEGAN SHIT FOOD:            THE GARDEIN MEATLESS PEPPERONI PIZZA POCKETS.

Pizza-PocketsI have never seen these fantastic little creations in my other local *legit* markets, they may be new, or the local folks may be looking out for our health by not stocking a fat food sloth life enabling delicious product such as this.  Either way I will be requesting them to carry all of the Gardein “Pocket Foods” immediately.

Wait, isn’t this supposed to be a review and not whatever has been going on?  Shit, let’s get down to it.

Pizza-PocketsThe Gardein Meatless Pepperoni Pizza Pocket, or GMP3 as I like to call it, is everything that the Gaffiganesque OG freezer pocket wishes it could be.  It’s delicious, healthy (on a sliding scale), doesn’t send your insides into turmoil, and is ultimately better for the planet, animals, and everyone involved.  It heats in 150 seconds in your microwave, or 20 minutes in your oven/toaster oven, and comes out to your mouth’s delight.  Warm, tender but chewy bread encapsulates a steamy pepperoni/pizza sauce center, every mouthful having a perfect amount of components until that last bready bite.  There is no out-the-side-of-your-mouth napalm leakage, no greasy “pastry” shell, and it doesn’t get that goddamn “Hot Pocket” bit stuck in my head BUT NOW IT IS GODDAMNIT.

Whomever the mad fucker at Gardein is that keeps making this shit needs to stop* this madness. I’m totally sold on these little pizza pucks. I’m going to eat the other half of the package now, I might even take a fucking picture**. I hear it lasts longer.

Vulgarly Yours,

VV

 

*PLEASE DO NOT STOP 

**Update, I did not take a picture so just enjoy the stock photos of the packaging.

Pizza-Pockets

Pizza-PocketsPizza-Pockets

 

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Recipe

RECIPE: Vulgar Vegan Whiz

IMG_5699This is the original recipe that the Vegan Whiz we serve at one of my restaurants was based on, with some modifications to fit the cuisine being served.  It was formulated when I was a totally broke ass vegan working my broke ass off just to barely get by. This was a time that I lived off of nutritional yeast, cheap pasta, beans, and tortillas. And lots and lots of potato chips and cheap beer. It was the best of times, it was also the shittiest of shitty times. But I persevered, so did you, and here we are.

There are three forms of this recipe, the one where you don’t have a blender or food processor (how the hell are you making your hummus? Mortar and pestle? If so, that’s actually pretty rad. Nothing beats making recipes even harder.), one where you do, and one where you transform this thing into a solid mass like the classic Cheese Whiz pot of gold.  If you aren’t blending, make sure to finely mince your onion and garlic. If you are, it doesn’t really matter as long as you get the onion and garlic cooked soft. Just remember that this is a simple recipe from a simple time, made for simple dishes that will envelop you like a hug from your creepy aunt. Don’t get too stressed out. Enjoy.

Vulgar Vegan Whiz

1 onion, minced (or rough chop, if you are blending)

2 Cloves garlic, minced (or crushed, if you are blending)

2C Vegetable Stock

Salt to taste

1.5C Nutritional Yeast Flake

1T Prepared Yellow Mustard

Optional: 2-3T Corn Starch

  1. SWEAT the onions in a small amount of your choice of cooking oil for about 6-7 minutes over medium heat in a medium size sauce pan.  I usually throw about a teaspoon or so of salt in at this point, you don’t have to.
  2. ADD the Garlic, cook for another 2-3 minutes. DO NOT BURN THE DAMN ONIONS AND GARLIC.
  3. ADD the Vegetable Stock, bring to a boil, and simmer for a few minutes. It doesn’t really matter how long, just pretend you’re doing something culinarily brilliant.
  4. WHISK in the Nutritional Yeast Flake, leaving no yeast lumps. (you don’t have to go too wild here if you are blending)
  5. STIR in mustard.
  6. If you are not blending: Simmer the sauce on low until it thickens. YOU ARE DONE.
  7. If you ARE blending: Remove sauce from heat, let things cool down a little bit before you put the mixture into the blender*
  8. POUR cooled (not cold) contents into your blender or food processor, blend until smooth. If you just want a smooth sauce, YOU ARE DONE.
  9. IF you want to get to block form (like a spreadable cheese that melts), add 3T of Corn Starch while blending.
  10. TRANSFER mixture back into the sauce pan, simmer until the sauce thickens to a porridge like consistency.
  11. POUR into a clean, sanitized container, let chill. YOU ARE DONE.

Now you are ready to make a Vegan Cheesesteak, Pizza, Mac N Cheese, etc.  This is the base for some real goddamn comfort food, and sometimes during our amazing journey of eating the most bodacious of fruits, nuts, grains, greens, and other veggies, we just need a little fucking comfort. Just a little.

VV

*BLENDING HOT LIQUIDS IS DANGEROUS. BLENDING LESS HOT LIQUIDS IS LESS DANGEROUS. Use a kitchen towel or hot pad when holding the top of the blender to guard from steam or splatter burns. DO NOT start the blender until you have the top on! PLEASE BE VERY DAMN CAREFUL!

Recipe

The Most Basic Vegan Pancake Recipe Ever

These are as basic a pancake as you can get (without summoning the Pumpkin Spice Gods), so basic that they if they could come to life and sprout humanoid limbs, they would probably wear UGGS to go see a Celine Dion book signing at a IMG_5640Yankee Doodle Candle Store.Yeah, that basic. I’ve made quite a few variations on the pancake theme over the years, but I really wanted something that would be both a good jumping off point for adding flavors/spices and that you could make with just ingredients you should have on hand in your pantry.  No egg replacer that you probably used once and let expire, no fishing around in the freezer for those black bananas to thaw and mush up. Just the basics for these basics.

 

Basic Vegan Pancakes

2 C Unbleached All Purpose Flour

2 C Unsweetend Plain Almond Milk (or whatever NOT chocolate almond milk you have around the house. You can also just use water. Ultra basic)

3T Sugar (use the sugar you have, whatever level of bougie it is. If you want to use Agave, go for it. Mix it in with the wet ingredients)

1T Baking Soda

2 T Vegetable Oil

1 T Lemon Juice (optional)

  1. Take all of the dry ingredients and put them in a fucking mixing bowl
  2. Grab a whisk or fork with your unclenched fist and mix up the dry shit
  3. In a DIFFERENT F’NG MIXING BOWL combine the wet ingredients and whisk/fork them together
  4. Pour the wet stuff into the dry stuff and mix until JUST COMBINED
  5. DO NOT OVER MIX THE BATTER. IT SHOULD BE LUMPY AF
  6. Pour out a quarter cup or so of batter for each cake onto a pre-heated griddle. Yes, go back in fucking time and turn your griddle on high, then come back to right after you read this direction.
  7. Cook like you would cook pancakes. Put some oil or margarine on the griddle, cook them cakes in it. Make em look pretty like the picture.
  8. Fucking Eat.

 

Are they basic? Yes. Do they fucking taste good?  Yes. Are they a light fluffy cloud? No. IMG_5644These are pretty fucking dense, so don’t overmix the goddamn batter.  You can serve these up topped with some Vegan Butter, Syrup, Jam, preserves, some other sauce, stir some berries into the batter, or you can cook them up with some Vegan breakfast sausages like in the picture here. Do what you want, just enjoy your breakfast food items and fucking rage.

VV

Uncategorized

Take It Personally

Eating is pretty fucking personal. You eat when you’re getting the feels and shit, when you’re pissed off, when you want to feel some semblance of happiness.  I mean, you can use eating as a social vehicle and drive that fucker straight into the “foodie” sunset, but when it comes down to it we are all alone in life and when you’re at the end of your rope, and it’s binge eat all the condiments in the house or tie that rope into a noose, you know wasting-leftovers-spoils-up-to-2000-per-year-for-average-us-familiesthe right choice. Are you going to stand there in a dark kitchen illuminated only by the faint glow from that tiny bulb in the back of the fridge as you scoop spoonful after spoonful of every flavor of jelly, jam, dijon, pickle juice, hummus, whatever you got, into your frowning food receptacle and reflect on all the fun you had eating with friends, or are you going to close your eyes after every bite and try to make your body feel something, maybe the sugar rush will raise your heart rate just enough to remind you of a time when you really felt alive, when it was ok, when you accepted yourself. Maybe the harsh bite of a super hot pickled pepper will wake you up inside like the moment you first kissed who you thought was your soul mate, someone who has long washed away into the dark depths and deep waters of your memory. You sit alone, eating, tears rise up. A few find their way out to share that dim light with you, run down your cheek over the crest of your upper lip, and add the salt component  you needed in that spoonful of apricot preserves.

Uh…I mean…

I might take it to personal level now and again and tell you about my fucking food and health journey shit, some musings between recipes and talking shit. 980511f7c2575efd9144a4e61be66234208aea25_fullFollow along, you may learn something about your own inner dealings.  You may find that you have some sage fucking wisdom to toss into my own personal Bucket Of Truth. Drop it in the comments.  I want to hear what you have to say.  Did I get you in the feels? Do you hate when someone says “The Feels” like I do? Tell me. Did you try one of the recipes and it fucking sucked?  Let’s talk about it so I can tell you just where you fucked it up. Are you concerned with the language used here?  Keep that to your fucking self. I don’t care. Get your own fucking blog and express your outer most suppressed self. I don’t give a shit. This is me. That is you. Keep your shit off my body, I’ll keep mine off yours. I mean, you can bitch about it all you want, but maybe you should channel all of your hatred for obscenities into a different hobby. Something like accepting your fellow humans as they are, and devoting your time to bettering the planet instead of complaining that I said “fuck” like forty billion times. That’s a good hobby. You may find that this is a really useful site, and want to atta boy yours truly? Rad. Tell me about it.

I know I said we are all alone in the world, but we can fucking talk about it. Don’t be afraid of making it personal.

VV

Uncategorized

It’s Another Fucking Vegan Blog

Oh look, it’s another Vegan Blog that swears and acts all tough and shit. Like we really need another one of those poser fucking things. Well, we aren’t thug, and we aren’t tough guys, but we are harsh and want you to stop eating like an asshole. Hold on, eating Vegan is kind of eating like an asshole, but more out of inconveniencing others, not murdering the world like the rest of the assholes out there.

You full on Vegan Warrior? Fuck yes. Weekend Warrior? YES. Meatless Mondays? Ok. Whatever you do, that’s fucking cool. You be you. We aren’t here to preach, we are here to teach. Are you ready to get Vulgar?

Vulgar Vegan