SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOTDAMN! I’m walking east through the aisle de freezer at the local fucking WAL MART of all places (don’t you fucking judge me like you have never been. Sometimes I’m a broke ass, both cash and morals-wise), and see the “Healthy Meal” section coming up quickly on my left. It’s no secret that Gardein makes a sizable fucking line of all-Vegan products, and I am kind of in love with them. As much as I tried to stay super legit like when I first ditched animal products, this company makes super legit frozen foods that have enabled me to work shitty eating habits back into my life. THANK YOU. Burgers (the best, IMO), fish sticks, chicken fingers, a really dank holiday roast, THE ELUSIVE MEATLOAF, are all stocked and on call in my deep freeze for any comfort food emergency that may arise.
BUT NOW I SEE BEFORE ME THE HOLY MOUNTAIN OF VEGAN SHIT FOOD: THE GARDEIN MEATLESS PEPPERONI PIZZA POCKETS.
I have never seen these fantastic little creations in my other local *legit* markets, they may be new, or the local folks may be looking out for our health by not stocking a fat food sloth life enabling delicious product such as this. Either way I will be requesting them to carry all of the Gardein “Pocket Foods” immediately.
Wait, isn’t this supposed to be a review and not whatever has been going on? Shit, let’s get down to it.
The Gardein Meatless Pepperoni Pizza Pocket, or GMP3 as I like to call it, is everything that the Gaffiganesque OG freezer pocket wishes it could be. It’s delicious, healthy (on a sliding scale), doesn’t send your insides into turmoil, and is ultimately better for the planet, animals, and everyone involved. It heats in 150 seconds in your microwave, or 20 minutes in your oven/toaster oven, and comes out to your mouth’s delight. Warm, tender but chewy bread encapsulates a steamy pepperoni/pizza sauce center, every mouthful having a perfect amount of components until that last bready bite. There is no out-the-side-of-your-mouth napalm leakage, no greasy “pastry” shell, and it doesn’t get that goddamn “Hot Pocket” bit stuck in my head BUT NOW IT IS GODDAMNIT.
Whomever the mad fucker at Gardein is that keeps making this shit needs to stop* this madness. I’m totally sold on these little pizza pucks. I’m going to eat the other half of the package now, I might even take a fucking picture**. I hear it lasts longer.
*PLEASE DO NOT STOP
**Update, I did not take a picture so just enjoy the stock photos of the packaging.